Reasons for the Mass Destruction of Pigeons in Venice
We are outnumbered by the pigeons.
We need to preserve our cultural background.
We have statues to protect. And churches. And clothes that require dry-cleaning.
We have been buying signature handbags from the street peddlers.
We have been fined by the local police for our fake Gucci.
We flush our shit into the lagoon.
We are afraid of getting filthier.
We have consulted a therapist for our personality problems.
We believe in the canonical power of a supreme being.
We have kept white rats in cages and electrical shocks.
We have failed to eliminate the bird-feeding instinct from tourists.
We can’t tell the difference between pigeon shit and vanilla ice cream.
We never know when to stop drinking.
We never learned to swim.
We have sunk 24 centimeters in the last 100 years.
We could be wrong and it’s just the sea level going up, like male pattern baldness.
We could catch some kind of disease or preoccupation with mating procedures.
We were born in the wrong century.
We should be speaking the Venetian dialect instead of English.
We are concerned about stopping time.
We can’t sit all day waiting for the pigeon soup to be ready.
We skinned cats during the last war and ate them, too.
We can acquire a taste for anything.
We can find reasons to exterminate any species if we set our hearts to it.
We have experienced high water in St. Mark’s Square.
We have had to put our feet in garbage bags to save our shoes.
We have taken pictures of those less fortunate.
We have been assaulted by birds and people who look exactly like us.
by Arlene Ang